I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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