Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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