I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
