I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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