I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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