A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
They have beer where we have blood.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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