I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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