What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
