I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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