You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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