its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.