just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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