wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
