Christians are straight up FREAKS
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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