no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
