if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
