I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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