onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
