This is not my ceiling
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
