If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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