You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
