My boss' voice literally gives me gas
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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