she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
