This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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