i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
