I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
