and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
