i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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