I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
