Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
