we have pet lesbian snakes
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
