don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
