We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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