drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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