Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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