If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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