You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
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You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
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I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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