Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
