I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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