we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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