i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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