You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
