So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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