It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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