Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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