i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Randomize
