The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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