Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
