i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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