Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I party with great urgency now.
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