oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
