On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
