Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
