i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
