Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
