i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
