Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
