can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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