We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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