Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
