My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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